Picking up the phone and asking for help is one of the hardest behaviors in sobriety I have had to learn over these past 7 years. I still struggle with it and this is still new for me.
I did pick up the phone and text my longtime childhood friend and ask her to refer me a therapist very recently. She’s in this business and more so on the mental side and my “go to” for those questions.
I struggled this particular day like crazy. I am clinically diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. I take meds for depression. I eat healthy for the most part and exercise at least 5-6 days a week. Depression seems to be the mental issue for me lately. I told my friend I was taking my meds, exercising and eating right, working my program of recovery and still felt I needed help.
I can remember not even a decade ago running to my dealer to get as much coke as I had money for, going to the liquor store for the vodka and heading to the junior store for my marlboro ultra lights. This was my brilliant solution to the drama, chaos and confusion I had self inflicted. I would get so blitzed I thought all of my pain, would all just go away magically. When all the heck it did was give me a few sleepless days, massive headaches and heartaches because of what I did or who I did it to while I was using. I remember those days sometimes more clearer than others. Crazy how this brain of mine works. I can remember a day in my addiction over 10 years ago, yet not remember what I wore yesterday. Gotta love this squirrel infested mind of mine. I hear all the time when people reference suicide about how selfish the person was. I get it. I get the pain of family and friends that are left behind. I have had friends leave this world by their own hands. I KNOW first hand some of the feelings felt by both sides. Whether it be relationship, financial or just plain crazy train in the brain I know that feeling in the mind where you really do feel that you would be better off not being here, and taking it a step further with it is telling yourself the lie that your family and friends would be better off too. Mental Illness is not to be taken lightly. It is a disease and I truly believe that when we address the issue “head on”, take meds if necessary, exercise, eat properly, PICK UP THE PHONE, pray to your higher power, and if addiction is also a issue make sure you are working a program and stick close to your sponsor, as she was the next person I called after my friend. We ask when a loved one chooses to take his or her life WHY? Well, I can tell you this from my own personal experience , the disease tells you all kinds of crazy things. Tells you and reminds you of every freaking mistake you ever made as far back as you can remember. This disease, if you are a parent tells you that your kids are better off without you. This disease tells you that your family doesn’t need your psycho babble nor knows how to deal with it, nor cares to even try to understand it, so why the hell are you trying daily to fight this never-ending battle? WHY, WHY WHY????@*#*^#. I KNOW because I have experienced ALL the above and NOW I am eternally grateful and do what I am supposed to do. WHY? I have too much to live for. We are given the gift of life everyday, it’s Called the present. I am SOBER which is A huge part of my remission of episodes relating to mental and addiction issues .
My first gratitude for my mental sobering health is to my higher power, God. He has saved me once again and will again and again and again. He tells us in his “Big Book”. That we are his children and he is here for us no matter what as it is written in Hebrews 13:5 ….For HE Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.
In my addiction I attempted to take my life more than a couple of times, Why?
Well I did some crazy stupid shit. When we do crazy stupid shit we have severe consequences. SO severe that we tell ourselves WTH?? Or even WTF??
This disease of addiction and mental illness will tell us all day long we are better off not being here than to experience painful consequences. It’s been a little over 7 years since those thoughts creeped up on me.
I am human and there is no insoluble cure for these mental illnesses. Though I have a different faith, life, and strength now, and face life on life’s terms.
You know I think my reasoning or rationalization for this struggle was the questions of the WHY? I want to know the answers to why things are going on in my life right now the way they are. I have had some recent serious conversations with God. I have heard several answers from others like” God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. Well, heck, I thought these trials were over as I’ve straightened up, I am sober and doing the right thing and still, getting side swiped. Frustrating and revisiting my past behaviors wondering what I have done to be going thru this now.
Then like this light shining down and opening up this spiritual mind I hear this: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths right. Proverbs 3:5-6.
Also 12 Step Promises # 3 & 4 ~We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
Please, if you are struggling, PICK UP THE PHONE. Call, Text or email. Communicate with someone and if you FEEL you can’t or don’t have anyone, I am here, I will help you find resources so you can get the help you are so worthy of receiving!
May the angels above surround you all with hugs, kisses and lots of Love, Amy C.